


the note

by andromedagalaxy



Series: Philkas College Verse [53]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-14 21:44:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13598985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andromedagalaxy/pseuds/andromedagalaxy
Summary: Mom liked that he read. She always encouraged it, would shove them into his bag when he went off for school, back when she tried to put lunch in there, too. He clears his throat and starts moving the books forward so he can clean behind him, but one falls off the shelf and drops to the floor at his feet. He sighs, leaning the others so they don’t fall too, and crouches down.It’sA Separate Peace. He’d never finished it—he can’t remember why now, but he can imagine it could be attributed to a couple different things that he doesn’t wanna think about. He remembers picking it because he’d heard about homoerotic overtones—he was in his last year of middle school and pretty damn sure he was what he was.As soon as he picks it up a note flutters out. He narrows his eyes and his heart lurches, because he knows she’d do this from time to time, he remembers finding them, and he wasn’t expecting this, wasn’t ready for it, not today or any fucking day for the foreseeable future, but his hand is moving on it’s on accord, picking it up without any thought for how his heart is gonna take this—





	the note

Philip hates when he gets the cleaning bug, but he tries to remind himself that he’ll like the outcome once it’s all over. They haven’t done anything serious with their apartment in a while, and he could tell Helen was doing some low-key judging when she and Gabe were here. The trial seems to be going their way, even though he knew it would, and they’re probably only gonna have to come up one more time before Dour gets what’s coming to him. 

So Philip wants the apartment to look good for when Helen and Gabe see it again. He thinks Bo and Sarah might be coming up too, to celebrate the end of the trial and the first time they’re all together since Philip and Lukas got engaged. He feels like so much shit is happening, and all his portfolio photos are laid out on the bed because he’s still trying to figure out what the hell he’s gonna choose and how he’s gonna present them. He’s got his first meeting with Mr. Woods next week so he can see his progress, and Philip doesn’t know why he’s so goddamn paranoid about this shit. 

He sees Lukas out of the corner of his eye, dropping half their laundry onto the ground in the living room because he insists on carrying it in his arms. Philip snorts, shaking his head. Lukas is only wearing his boxers and Philip fucking loves when he does laundry like that. 

“You okay?” Lukas asks, trying to retrieve a pair of pants and socks off the floor. Three shirts fall too. 

“Are you?” Philip asks, laughing. 

“Ugh,” Lukas groans. 

“Just use the basket, babe,” Philip says. 

“No!” Lukas says, trying to readjust the clothes in his arms without dropping more. “I got this. I got this.” He drops a pair of Philip’s jeans and Philip laughs, shaking his head.

He turns back to the bookshelf in their room. Almost everything here is from when he was growing up, since most of their new ones are set up in the living room. So many of these books are stolen. And he uses that word loosely—most of them are from the library and he just wound up keeping them. He meant to bring them back but then again he didn’t, because books weren’t a luxury they could afford. He’d check them out under the school’s card and he knew Mrs. Cook was aware he was keeping them, but she never said anything, so he kept doing it. He wonders if she was paying his fees.

Mom liked that he read. She always encouraged it, would shove them into his bag when he went off for school, back when she tried to put lunch in there, too. He clears his throat and starts moving the books forward so he can clean behind him, but one falls off the shelf and drops to the floor at his feet. He sighs, leaning the others so they don’t fall too, and crouches down.

It’s _A Separate Peace_. He’d never finished it—he can’t remember why now, but he can imagine it could be attributed to a couple different things that he doesn’t wanna think about. He remembers picking it because he’d heard about homoerotic overtones—he was in his last year of middle school and pretty damn sure he was what he was.

As soon as he picks it up a note flutters out. He narrows his eyes and his heart lurches, because he knows she’d do this from time to time, he remembers finding them, and he wasn’t expecting this, wasn’t ready for it, not today or any fucking day for the foreseeable future, but his hand is moving on it’s on accord, picking it up without any thought for how his heart is gonna take this—

_Hey honeypie,_

_I’m so glad you’re reading this book! I read it when I was young and I loved it. You’re so smart! I can’t wait to hear what you think of it! Have a good day today and I’ll see you at two in the park! Can’t wait for our date! Enjoy the cookies :)_

_Love you to pieces forever and ever,_  
_Mom_

He’s gripping the paper more tightly than he probably should be and he can hear her voice. Like she’s in the room. Like maybe if he turns around she’ll be there. But he remembers Helen telling him she was gone, remembers his hearing going out and his whole body going numb like he was dropped into ice water. He remembers her funeral, remembers watching the casket being lowered into the ground and feeling like part of him was going with her, feeling like something was ripping him up from the inside. He doesn’t let himself think about it because he’s always tried to push these kinds of feelings down, because he has to be strong, he has to keep going, because if he steps over the precipice and lets the stark realness of her death get into his head he won’t be able to move anymore. 

The first two weeks after it happened was darkness, pain, and he didn’t think he’d be able to make it out. He hated himself for acting like he did even though he knows it’s normal, normal to want to lock himself away because his mom is dead. The note is trembling in his hand and his mind and his heart and his brain are all pulling him in ten different directions. It feels like yesterday that she was here, yesterday that she hugged him, yesterday that she died, yesterday that he found out she was gone, gone, gone never another hug never another note—

He doesn’t wanna cry he doesn’t wanna cry he doesn’t want—

“Philip,” Lukas says, on the ground now too, hands on Philip’s back and his shoulder. Philip falls back so he’s sitting and he realizes how much he’s shaking, the hate for his own stupid emotions rushing up his throat and resulting in a desperate-sounding sob. He doesn’t know what to think or feel, is so stuck in his ways that his body feels like it’s seizing up under the war happening there. 

Lukas takes the note away from him, gently, and puts it aside. “Hey, hey,” Lukas whispers, and he pulls Philip in between his legs, gathering him up against his chest. Philip breaks, tucking his head underneath Lukas’s chin. He clings to him, his head swimming, all of it, all of it tumbling down on top of his head. He doesn’t know what it is, why one note did it, but he feels like it’s right after, moments after, like she just left, just moments ago. Like he’s a raw nerve again, an orphan, alone.

“Baby,” Lukas says, holding him tight, rocking him back and forth and running his hand through Philip’s hair. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I’ve got you.”

His one constant. Philip sucks in a gasping breath but he can’t see or talk, doesn’t think he’s ever cried this hard in his life. He feels like something is trying to yank his soul out of his body, dredge up all his worst memories and drown him in them.

He feels like he’s drowning.

“Lukas,” he sobs, and suddenly he feels both dogs by his side, nudging their wet noses into his ribs, both crying. 

“Relax,” Lukas says, soothing his hand up and down Philip’s back. “Relax, relax, it’s okay—just breathe, I’ve got you, it’s okay—you’re here with me, you’re here.”

Philip tries to breathe, turning his face to press into Lukas’s neck. “Oh fuck,” he says. “I’m sorry. I’m so—sorry.”

“No, no, no,” Lukas says, kissing Philip’s head a couple times. “No sorry.”

“I shouldn’t—I shouldn’t be fucking—freaking out,” Philip gasps, more hot tears rolling down his cheeks. He feels Izzy lay her head on Lukas’s knee and Samson whines a little louder. 

“Philip,” Lukas whispers. He pulls back a bit and holds Philip’s face in his hands, pressing their foreheads together. His touch is careful but firm, and it helps Philip center. “You are—allowed to get upset about your mom. Fuck, I mean—you’re allowed to get upset and emotional about whatever you want. But especially your mom. I know you hold back, wanna—wanna stay strong, but babe—it’s allowed. It’s allowed, especially with me.”

Philip nods, drawing in slow, measured breaths.

Lukas kisses his cheek softly, his fingers moving back and forth through Philip’s hair and against his scalp. “You wanna talk about it?” he asks.

Philip sucks in a breath and really wants to hide, so he leans forward and buries his face in Lukas’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around him again. Samson nudges closer and Philip laughs a little bit, wetly, and reaches out to scratch around his ears. Izzy immediately scoots closer for the same sort of attention, which Philip gives her.

“Chill out, you two,” Lukas says, rubbing Izzy’s head. “Attention hounds.”

Philip laughs again, still trying to catch his breath. He’s slowly leveling out, coming back into the present and out of the stifling haze. Lukas is holding him close, surrounding him. “Jesus,” Philip says, scrubbing at his eyes. 

“It’s okay,” Lukas says. “I’m right here.”

That settles in Philip’s heart, reminds him of times past and when he knew that Lukas was starting to become his. “It just all felt overwhelming for a second,” Philip says, hardly sounding like himself. “Finding that note that I was like…really not expecting to find. I missed it, I never—I never read it when she meant for me to and like—now she—now—” His voice gets caught in his throat and he squeezes his eyes shut.

Lukas kisses his temple. “Shh, shh, it’s okay,” he whispers. “You don’t have to.”

Philip wants to talk about her, but he doesn’t know how. She means so much, always has, and every day everything he does is for her. He thinks about what she would think. But fuck, it hurts. She should be here. She should goddamn be here. It’s a plain goddamn fact. Kane took a lot from them, marked them forever with a type of paranoia and fear that doesn’t go away. But he took Mom away. He took her away permanently. There was no way to fix it. Nothing Philip could do. 

“She’ll never see—us,” Philip says, his voice muffled against Lukas’s skin. “What we’re doing, our—our wedding, how—happy we are, all the—work I’m doing, with my portfolio and shit and she—she always wanted me to have—have—have a dog and now we have _two_ —” He groans a little bit, can’t keep talking like this. 

Lukas holds him so tight, kissing his forehead over and over. “Uh, I don’t think—no, I know I never told you this.”

Philip shifts a little bit in his arms, trying to swallow down the beginnings of hiccups. “What?” he asks, tears in his voice. 

“Uh—it was like, our third night here, everything was still so new and like, I had this dream. I was worried it would like—well, it was me and you and our moms, here. In the apartment.” Philip just listens, tracing his finger over Lukas’s shoulder blade. Lukas clears his throat. “It wasn’t anything like, crazy, how my dreams can be sometimes, we were just—eating dinner. Tacos. And they just kept saying like things like _we’re gonna see you do good. We’re gonna be there, don’t worry._ Things like that. And we were just talking about normal shit, about the Met, the zoo in Queens—”

Philip narrows his eyes. “My mom, uh—in your dream—she mentioned the Queens zoo?” he asks, feeling a little cold all of a sudden. 

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “I know you like the zoo, so that’s like—my brain was probably adding that in.”

“Oh my God, Lukas,” Philip says, sitting up to look at him. “I love the zoo _because_ of that zoo. We’d go there whenever we could afford it, I loved their bear cubs.”

“We were talking about the bears,” Lukas says, a soft little smile on his face. 

“In the dream?” Philip asks, hands braced on Lukas’s shoulders. Lukas nods. Philip feels something fill him up then, a strange sense of peace and optimism. It’s like a presence, warm and cold and familiar, and he doesn’t know if he’s feeling it because he wants to feel it or because it’s actually all around him, like her full-bodied hugs and the cadence of her laughter. It feels like she’s close. “Lukas, that’s—why didn’t you tell me this?”

“I didn’t wanna upset you,” Lukas says, shaking his head. “You know…freak you out. But it was—it was nice. It felt real, it felt like—it felt good. They were getting along.”

“We always think they would,” Philip says, smiling. 

Lukas brushes Philip’s hair back from his forehead, his eyes roaming over Philip’s face. “I know how much it hurts. I really, really know. But I also know that—souls just don’t—go away. Especially souls as beautiful as theirs. No way, babe. They’re watching us, they—they’re seeing everything we want them to see.” 

Philip lays his head back down on Lukas’s shoulder. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, you’re…you’re right.” He sighs, turning his face into the hollow of Lukas’s throat again. “Sorry, sorry about the—”

“No sorry,” Lukas says. “Jesus, the amount of times I’ve cried in front of you…Philip, it’s fine.”

Philip is so fucking happy he found a safe place, a place where he can be vulnerable and it’s allowed, it’s okay, a place where he can break and Lukas will be there to put his hands over the cracks, whispering soft reassurances into Philip’s ear.

“Here, look at me,” Lukas says, squeezing Philip’s shoulder. Philip sits up, sniffling a little bit as they square up. Lukas puts his fingers on Philip’s temples and starts humming, massaging gently. “Cheer up sleepy jean…oh what can it mean…to a…daydream believer…and a homecoming queen…” He leans in, pressing his lips to both of Philip’s cheeks, then the tip of his nose, then his mouth. Like clockwork. Philip loves this, loves their little thing, and it always makes him feel better. Because it’s theirs.

Lukas kisses him again. “Want me to help you in here?” he asks. “We can put the note in the box with the other stuff, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Philip says, nodding. He’s got a box under his side of the bed with all of the important things from his mom, close to him so he’s close to her. 

Izzy and Samson make their decision at the same time, leaping over Philip and Lukas’s legs and into their laps. Philip laughs, the pain in his head getting a little less when both dogs start licking at his chin. Samson stumbles and collapses into Lukas’s chest. 

“God,” Philip laughs. “She would have loved these two nerds.”

“And they would have loved her,” Lukas says through gritted teeth, rubbing Philip’s back and Izzy’s side at the same time. “Thank God they’re distracted with us or they’d totally be making the laundry their bed. Samson is obsessed with that red sweater of yours.”

“Oh shit, I made you drop it all,” Philip says, but Lukas shakes his head.

“Nah, I was already doing that all on my own,” Lukas says, kissing Philip’s cheek. “You know me, elegant, refined—laundry trail was exactly what I was going for.”

Philip snorts, shaking his head.

“Anyways,” Lukas says, “I cleaned the floor like, really intensely, so it should be fine.”

Philip feels overwhelmed again for a second, but in a good way this time, in the face of their life and their domesticity and their dogs and their fucking _marriage._

He leans in, cupping Lukas’s face as Izzy and Samson continue to dance and throw their bodies around. “I love you,” Philip whispers, nuzzling Lukas’s face, wanting to be as close to him as possible.

“I love you too,” Lukas says, worming an arm around Philip’s waist. “So much, angel face.”

Philip really does hope his mom is watching. Both of their moms, together. He hopes they’re proud of how far they’ve come. Because Philip couldn’t be prouder of the love of his life. He couldn’t be prouder of how safe they make each other feel. And with Lukas here, he can keep the pain at bay. Can keep the happy memories, the good feelings at the forefront. 

Philip knows she’ll always be with him.


End file.
